So whose map is it anyway?

The understanding that another person’s reality makes perfect sense to them makes it easier to treat them with respect and without making judgments or assumptions about them.

This is put to the test when we communicate.  Before talking, there is a further filtering process (deleting, distorting and generalising again) to choose what to say and what not to say.  Then commonly, the speaker talks and assumes that the listener understands exactly what they mean.  The listener also assumes that they know precisely what the speaker means, and paints in all the missing details from within their own map.  Both parties assume that they have communicated successfully – which they may or may not have done - and sometimes it may not matter very much either way.  But at times, the costs of a misunderstanding can multiply if not noticed early.  Being able to make a distinction between your map and others’ maps is a valuable skill if, for example, you want to:

• Find out how someone does something (model them)
• Discuss an issue or argue better
• Avoid misunderstandings in the first place
• Stand your ground
• Help others make changes that will stand the test of time

If we could just stop making assumptions, we could distinguish between our own map and those of others, but people are meaning-making beings and assumptions are a vital part of life. 

What we can do is become more aware of our assumptions, be aware of the potential consequences of leaping to a conclusion, drop an assumption as soon as we get evidence that doesn’t support it, and keep our assumptions to ourselves.

As we use our maps to navigate the territory of life, we make assumptions about areas where there is no information.  This is a useful skill, much of the time.

However when another person’s map forms part of the unknown territory that we are navigating through, we run the risk of creating conflict if we make assumptions about their map (e.g. that they see the world as we do).  And this is all the more so if the other person is in a vulnerable state, e.g. in facilitator/ therapist - client relationship.

It makes sense then to minimise the need for assumptions by finding out what is actually in each other’s map.  This process of finding out is called modelling.

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